You Have Two Cows
I’m sure some of you have read the “You Have Two Cows” funny that periodically circulates via e-mail, such as this standard-issue listing. The intent is to demonstrate the basic difference between competing political and philosophical ideas, or how certain countries implement such policies. Well, thanks to our friends at Wikipedia, we may have finally found the most comprehensive “You Have Two Cows” listing ever created. Among my favorites:
PACIFISM: You have two cows. They stampede you.
SURREALISM: You have two giraffes. The government requires you to take harmonica lessons.
UNITED NATIONISM: You have two cows. France vetoes you from milking them. The United States and Britain veto the cows from milking you. New Zealand abstains.
COMMUNISM — CUBAN: You no longer have any cows. They sailed to Miami. You still have no milk - but you do have Fidel.
FRISBEETARIANISM: You have two cows. One of them flies up on the roof and gets stuck. You hope the government provides cow ladders.
Even more from Zodanet. Arranged alphabetically on different pages, including some great Objectivism definitions:
1. You have two cows. They are married. One of them has an affair with Ayn Rand while writing lots of philosophical work. The relationship goes south, Rand excommunicates said cows, declares that cows are irrational.
2. Cow is Cow.
3. I swear, by my cow and my love of it, that I will never milk for the sake of another man, nor ask another man to milk for the sake of mine.
And for you World Of Warcraft fans, how about this:
You have two cows. You try to camp them for a rare quest item, but the other faction keeps coming along and slaughtering them before you can finish your quest. You set your PvP flag and attack in an attempt to get even, but they bring their friends and kill you repeatedly. Eventually you level up to where it would be pointless to complete the quest and abandon it and the cows.
Gotta have an entry for instant-messenger fans, too:
1. OMGz u hav 2 cowz lolz!!1
2. DuudEz, i m liek teh fr34kin 1337 coz I totoly pwned yur 2 cows!!1!11!oen!uno!!
There are scores more, including Atheism, Wales, Nihilism, Visual Basic, Spiderman, C++, Groundhog Day, and so on. The bottom line here is that COWS ARE INHERENTLY FUNNY. Set aside some time this weekend and get caught up on all of the “You Have Two Cows” reading.
February 21st, 2006 at 5:17 am
Babylon Five version: You have two cows.
You originally had 1,000 cows, but the Minbari killed the rest. They surrendered before killing your last two. Nobody knows why.
The Centauri don’t have any cows, but when they’re drunk, they regale you with tales of the old Republic when their millions of cows blotted out the pasture.
The Narn have no cows of their own and are willing to crossbreed with yours for a chance at obtaining one.
The Vorlons have two cows. They look exactly like sofas. Nobody knows why.
After five years, everyone’s cow dies.
March 18th, 2007 at 12:24 pm
[…] You Have Two Cows - everyone knows about the standard You Have Two Cows funnies, but this one is for the geeks and bloggers. Sample: the WordPress version is - “You don’t have any cows, but they are giving free if you want to. You can also change their skin and add add many helpful features to milk them easier.” […]